Breaking the Shame Cycle

In my "other life", I am a pediatric hospitalist in a community hospital. In that role, I primarily take care of well and sick newborns. Recently, I was seeing a newborn who was the first baby for a 16 year old mom. We will call this mom Erin (all names have been changed to protect privacy). When I walked into the room, the infant was asleep in the bassinet, Erin was sitting in her bed, and Erin's mom and maternal aunt were also in the room. Shortly after entering the room, Erin's aunt informed me that she was there because Erin's mom was going to church and she intended to provide adult supervision to prevent "this" from happening again, as she made a sweeping motion of her hand over the young new mom. I watched as Erin's face fell and she seemed to shrink into the bed. After this interaction, I attempted to move on and ask Erin what her plans were for caring for her baby and finishing high school. Again, this aunt vocalized that she had told Erin she better finish high school, because cousin so-in-so didn't and couldn't get a job anywhere now. Sadly, I finished examining the infant and left the room.

Later that day, I caught a glimpse of Erin's aunt getting onto the elevator, so I took advantage of that moment to visit with Erin privately. I apologized to Erin that what I had said earlier had encouraged her aunt to say those hurtful comments. I went on to say that perhaps, having a baby at sixteen hadn't been her plan, but she does not deserve to be shamed by others, including family members. I told her that her young age did not prevent her from being a great mom. I did encourage her to finish high school so she could provide herself and her baby with more opportunities. These simple encouraging and validating statements were enough to gain Erin's trust and she excitedly started showing me some of the adorable outfits she had picked out for her beautiful baby girl.

Shaming someone for a mistake does not change future behavior. It will often make the victim feel worthless and lessen the chance they will make an effort to change any unhealthy patterns. When someone feels shame, they are unlikely to believe they can improve their situation and often believe they deserve to be treated poorly by others. Yes, we need to address and discuss mistakes, but we need to do so from a place of building resiliency and learning. Our teens are going to make mistakes, usually small ones, but occasionally big ones. As caring adults, we need to come from a place of understanding and empathy. We should be having open conversations about what went wrong , what they learned and how they can prevent similar mishaps in the future. We need to instill a sense of worth and empower them with a belief that they are capable of making good choices in the future. If they don't think they are capable, they are not going to try.

Brene Brown defines shame " as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging -- something we've experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection". Now, why would we ever consider shaming a new mom who is trying to be a good mother to her newborn baby? The shame cycle in families needs to be broken. We now know the detrimental effect shame can have on an individual's self-esteem and low self-esteem can lead to a variety of consequence, especially in teens and young adults, including anxiety, depression, risk-taking behaviors, substance abuse and unplanned pregnancies. We need to let our young women know that they are a vital part of this world we live in and one's mistakes do not define them, rather their resiliency.